Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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