It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Randomize
