I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
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