Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
its whatevr the fuvk you could ever want is wht it is. i dont wanna read. literacy? overated in my opinion. overated.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
