My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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