I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
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