and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
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