last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
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