god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
last night I used snow as a chaser
Randomize
