Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Randomize