You blewit but ill be back in laekciew tonigthso calll mee
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
