mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Randomize
