thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
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