Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
