apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Eating in charleston sc at a seafood place called "hymans". Like normal I had no problem finding it.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
