well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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