Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
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