Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
