she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Randomize
