I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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