Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I came so hard my ears popped.
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
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