i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Randomize
