I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
