you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Randomize
