Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
It's official drugs can't kill me
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
