i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
