dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
Randomize
