I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
