A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
