Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Randomize
