Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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