Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Bring me that man meat
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
