I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Randomize
