True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
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you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
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Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
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