The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
