The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
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