Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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