If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Randomize
