Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
