You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
