Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
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