giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Randomize
