I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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