Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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