Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
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