finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Randomize
