Your face is a jimmy john
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
