pop tarts are not kleenex
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Randomize
