the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
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