He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
