WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Randomize
