i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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