We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Randomize
