Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Randomize
