I love black thongs
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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