i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
