Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
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Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
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Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
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