I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
