Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Randomize
