worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
