you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize